Kira

2001 - 2018

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition and of unspeakable love.”

42 is supposed to be the answer to life, the universe and everything. Today I’m 42. Today I lost one of my oldest, closest and dearest friends – Kira

Grief is like waves, it comes and goes – this week has been an unpredictable roller coaster of grief, guilt and sadness. Anticipatory grief this week has been unbearable, especially the last 24 hours knowing 1) this is her last meal 2) this is our last night in bed together 3) this is her last poop – really!

I feel blessed that my relationship with Kira was so incredible that the grief I’m feeling is almost unbearable. Imagine living life never feeling something so profound!? That’s why they said it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. That’s also why I surround myself with so many animals and why I give to them so much of myself – it brings me so much joy to have such unconditional and unwavering love in my life. I am truly so blessed. Even Kira, now at over 17 years old. Blind, almost deaf, in diapers, skin & bone, back legs not working….she is suffering from spells of dementia – some days she spends hours “lost” in the house. But when she smells me, her excitement is still as if I had been gone for months, even if it’s been 5 minutes. Her little tail wagging so fast as she tries to control her frail and failing body so she can get closer to me – the one who brings her comfort so she can rest her tired body and foggy mind. I am the constant that has been there since the day we first met so man years ago.

This is why the decision has been so delayed. People look at her and feel bad for her. They see a frail, struggling , helpless zombie dog – a shell of her former self. I see a dog that survived unspeakable abuse, overcoming tremendous fears and obstacles and finding a fulfilled life with me – now stronger than ever giving her efforts 100% to keep up with the rest of the family.
The biggest thing she taught me was that anybody can be strong, no matter what their size and no matter where they’ve come from. She was the boss in our house – nobody ever messed with her. The dogo’s gave her space – even aggressive Korg. We used to get a chuckle every time Angel had a bone, Kira would walk over without hesitation in her tiny 7 lb body and take his bone away! Even Cleopatra with her redirected aggression has never messed with Kira. Kira has been the boss of our house for over 16 years – and a part of my life for as long – through 3 relationships, a marriage, a myriad of jobs and homes, the birth of our son, many deaths, losses and struggles. She was a constant and now with her gone there is a HUGE void in our lives and hearts.

Here’s how she came to me…..6 months after adopting Reuben my mom advised me of an ad in the local newspaper for a “Chinese Crusted $250” – I still have the ad I cut from the newspaper. I called the lady and made arrangements to go see her with my mom. Mom said “You’re not getting another dog”. You see Reuben was my first real adult dog, but I was still living at home and in college. Mom and I walked into a dirty house and there on the couch was Kira – skin and bones, shaking and scared of her own shadow. My mom whispered “Get the Dog!!”. The lady had had a dozens of inquiries and wanted to screen people first so I did my best to impress her. Luckily a girl I worked with knew her and put in a good word – I took her malnourished and broken body home.

I got a call soon after from her breeder demanding I surrender her to her as the owner had broken the contract that the dog was to go back to her no matter what. I pleaded with her to meet me and give me a chance. My mom, Reuben, Kira and myself headed over to her house where we found out Kira and Reuben were cousins!! One parent of each were brothers and sisters from the same litter. I easily won her over and went home with my beloved Kira, no strings attached.

I also found out the woman who had her was in an abusive relationship – the man was beating her and the dog – a grown ass man took his anger out on a tiny, helpless creature. He even broke her leg and they left it because they couldn’t afford to fix it – she it healed crooked and she was TERRIFIED of everybody. For years she would bite if anyone tried to pet her. She especially hated men. When I moved to Banff for my college work placement I made the heartbreaking decision to leave my dogs with my parents while I found myself. It was unbearable but I knew they were safe. When I met Josh I advised that I had two strange little dogs and my mom was flying out with them.

Upon arriving at the airport, I rushed over to the kennel and quickly cut the ties holding the door on – Reuben and Kira squealing with delight to see their mom. I opened the door eager to hug them close to me and Kira ran over and jumped right into Josh’s lap. My mom turned to me and said “He’s the one” and she was right. From that day on Kira was Josh’s little princess.
She may have been afraid of adults, but she LOVED kids and was always eager to greet them with kisses. She would take months to warm up to new people, but eventually won the heart of ALL of our friends. She of course was amazing with ALL dogs, cats and any other animals I brought home over the years.

Josh and I just went through some old photos and videos to add to this post and there truly are so many incredible memories.

Today she fell asleep in my arms as I rocked her and whispered I loved her into her ears. Josh hugged us both and we played beautiful music in the background. As she slipped away I hugged her close and told her not to be afraid – she was not alone, she was so very loved.

Thank you to Dr. Dirk Dekenss who came to our house to ensure Kira experienced zero stress and the most peaceful exit I have ever bared witness. The dogs & cats came over and sniffed her and recognized she had passed. Reuben snuggled into bed with her one last time after she had passed and my heart broke into a million pieces. My little princess is finally pain free and somewhere in the cosmos, another plain of existence where I hope to experience her again when my time comes.

Thank you to Dr. Louren Tronqued, Kari, Linda, Jamee, Diana and Shelbi who have been Kira’s caregivers for years – the best care givers in the world - some of the only people I trust with my pets.

Thank you to my mom Melanie who has put up with my wave of emotions the past few weeks as I struggle to come to peace with my decision and even supporting me when I changed my mind over and over again.

Thank you to Pam who would keep an eye on her on days work kept me from home for extended periods of time. Knowing she was not alone made all the difference.

Thank you to Josh, my rock, my everything, who has had to put up with me for months in a spiraling depression as I struggle to keep Kira going – above and beyond what most sane people would have done. I sometimes forget he’s been a part of her life almost as long as I have.

Thank you to all the friends and family who have been checking in with me over the past few weeks (Catherine, Randi Lynn, Alyson, Susan, Teresa, Karolyne, Jamie and so many more, please forgive me if I forgot your name) and for reaching out to me today when I thought I wasn’t going to make it. To know I have so many amazing people in my life and such an incredible support system offers me some relief from my sadness.

Kira, thank you for being such an amazing creature, so full of joy all the time. Thank you for giving me 17 years of memories and for loving me unconditionally, even in my dark times when I might not have been the best owner. I always tried to put you and Reuben first. If we were too poor to eat, we would eat Mr. Noodles so you could have the best food available. It’s been nice the past few years being able to live a bit more comfortably so we could spoil you with orthopedic beds, heating mats and any treats you wanted. Thank you for being an amazing traveling companion, visiting Nana with me every summer. Thank you for teaching Indie about unconditional love and how to be compassionate and gentle with animals. Thank you for being Reuben's best friend and lifelong companion.

Kira – my sweet sweet princess. Mommy and Daddy love you forever and always, to the moon and back. We already miss you so much and will never ever forget you xoxox